


Proof

by rameau



Series: Stuck in Vegas [2]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-07-08 02:21:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19861927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rameau/pseuds/rameau
Summary: Proof may refer to:• Proof (truth), argument or sufficient evidence for the truth of a proposition• Mathematical proof, a convincing demonstration that some mathematical statement is necessarily true• Proof theory, a branch of mathematical logic that represents proofs as formal mathematical objectsJohn Sheppard has lost his husband in a typical Lantean accident. Now he and Elizabeth are left to pick up the pieces of their lives in two very different kinds of personal hells.A spoilery companion piece toStuck in Vegas.





	Proof

**Author's Note:**

> In September 2018 Kattkynz left a comment on Stuck in Vegas and instead of replying to their comment I picked up a pen and started to write. At a glacial pace, but one word after another. 
> 
> My thanks to the usual suspects: [bookjunkie1975](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookjunkie1975/pseuds/bookjunkie1975) for her invaluable beta work (sorry about the title), and my cheerleaders [fardareismai2](http://archiveofourown.org/users/fardareismai2), [OCDindeed](http://archiveofourown.org/users/OCDindeed) and [wordninja](http://archiveofourown.org/users/wordninja). 
> 
> Can you believe we're still here. After all this time? Is it time for matching rings?

John eyed the two warriors in front of him. Although they were armed with mere sticks, he knew he was outmatched. Despite Teyla’s best efforts, John had never mastered the Bantos rods. 

“Two against a single blind man?” John asked.

Teyla laughed and Ronon grinned. They switched places and danced around John, who followed them closely and ducked the light tap Teyla threw his way.

“That scar didn’t blind you and you only need two eyes for two opponents”

John blocked Ronon’s first hit but tripped on Teyla’s second and third low swing. He tried to roll away, but the quick hits to his arms, thighs and sides told him he was dead. Again. 

“You’re not even trying,” Ronon said leaning over John. “Did McKay wear you out last night?”

“The state of my marriage is none of your business, thank you very much.” John grabbed Ronon’s arm and was dragged up like he weighed nothing.

“Anyone who has walked by McKay’s lab around your lunch break and has ears, disagrees.”

John turned to Teyla. She nodded saying: 

“The cafeteria tends to be crowded during that time of day.”

John was saved from answering by the alarm.

Or so he thought.

***

They weren’t sure which lab it was at first, but experience told them they should head for the physics department. Kavanaugh was staggering but suspiciously quiet and Zelenka was nowhere to be seen.

Any second now Rodney’s voice would reach them as he ripped a hapless lab assistant a new one. Or a secondary doctorate student, but it was all the same. 

“What happened?” John grabbed Grodin by the sleeve. “Where’s Rodney?”

Peter shook his head.

“He and Radek were in the lab when–” he paused to look away. “We don’t know what happened. They were supposed to just observe, when Zelenka disappeared.”  


“We’ll find him. What about Rodney?” 

Peter swallowed and nodded behind him. “He’s through there, but John,” Peter stopped John from running past him to his husband. “John, he’s not himself. He didn’t recognise me or half the staff. He might not recognise you.”

John shook his head at the absurd idea. There wasn’t a world where Rodney McKay would forget the love of his life. At least not permanently. 

“You’re saying Rodney hit his head? It’s okay. I’ll make sure Carson examines him thoroughly,” John said already rushing past Grodin. He was too far to hear Grodin mutter:

“No. That’s not what I’m saying.”

Rodney was sitting on the floor. That should have been his first clue. Rodney was sitting on the floor of the lab leaning on a desk still holding the destroyed equipment. Not a bomb, John decided, but something scorched all the same. 

“I told everyone to get out,” said the voice John knew so well. Even from behind folded arms on his knees and a drooping head, John could hear how upset Rodney was and how tenuous Rodney’s grip on calm was. 

“I know, I know,” John lied and kept walking. “We just need to make sure you’re okay. I need to be sure you’re okay.”

“How can I be okay when I don’t even know where I am?” Rodney asked. 

This was worse than Grodin had warned.

“Atlantis, Pegasus galaxy.”

Rodney let out a small laugh. “I knew that much.”

“Rodney?” John kneeled in front of his husband and reached to take Rodney’s hands in his own.

“That’s my name,” Roney said raising his head. “What’s yours?” Rodney looked into John’s eyes without any of the love and recognition John had seen only a few short hours earlier. 

“And where did you get that scar?”

***

Rodney was locked up in the infirmary with Heightmeyer. John was frozen behind the glass looking in. Elizabeth came to stand by him.

“Any news?”

“He’s Rodney. A Failed musical genius with a double doctorate in physics and mechanical engineering. He has a winning personality, doesn’t suffer fools, never married.”

“John.”

“It’s all there. Everything that makes him my Rodney, except me. I am the only one he doesn’t remember. Even Teyla and Ronon he knows, although distantly as if he’s never been on a mission with them—”

“John!”

“This isn’t a normal amnesia.” 

“No. It’s not,” Elizabeth said. “Kavanaugh, Grodin, and others can’t quite agree on how it happened but—”

“What about Zelenka? He’s the only one Rodney actually trusts to get it right.” John saw Elizabeth’s face change and guessed. “They haven’t found Zelenka yet. What happened to him?”

“Radek and Rodney were observing a rift in space-time when something triggered an implosion and they were pulled into it and through it to an alternative universe.”

“How was Rodney spat back out but not Zelenka?”

“A Rodney was. Not our Rodney. Not your Rodney. We’re guessing they switched places and his universe—” Elizabeth nodded to Rodney talking to Heightmeyer. “—didn’t have a Zelenka in place to send one to replace ours.”

“Okay,” John said slowly. “How do we switch them back?”

“We can’t,” Elizabeth said.

***

“They told me we’re married here.” John finished his sip and put the cup down.

“Legally, yes,” he said and waited.

“I’ve—never—” Rodney stood by the conference room doors stuttering. John couldn’t decide whether those sounds or Rodney’s uncertain rubbing of his neck was more uncharacteristic to the man he loved. Had loved.

“Never been married?” John asked and added when Rodney looked up: “Or never been married to a man?”

There it was, the defiance. “Neither.”

John nodded, trying not to snap his pencil in half. 

“What do you want?” he asked. 

“Clothes. For a start.” 

John nodded swallowing a lump. This is how it started. The End. Piece by piece this Rodney would claim all that had belonged to John’s Rodney and take away his memories. 

“Sure thing, McKay. Come this way.”

***

“Do you have everything you need?”

“No. I need my universe back.” McKay’s voice was dry and mouth a hair off skew. He dropped one more binder into the already overflowing box. “Are you sure this is all of his research?”

John gritted his teeth. 

“No.” That look of utter exasperation gave John utter joy for a moment. “But it’s all I allowed him to bring home. It was tough—is tough enough to hold his attention without reminders of physics puzzles littered all over the place. And my jaw can only take so much abuse.”

There it was again. That blush that reminded John more than anything that this McKay wasn’t Rodney. Could never be. 

John had witnessed an awkward flirting attempt between McKay and Dr. Katie Brown and that had hurt. But far worse had been listening to other people’s judgement of McKay and hearing their condolences. Everyone was on his side in this break-up, but John didn’t want that. Neither the moral high ground or the break-up. John wanted his husband back.

“Do you have everything you need to fix this mess you caused?” John saw McKay’s jaw lock, spine straighten and the man disappear with the rest of Rodney’s things out the door.

John tried not to look around and see exactly how alone he was now.

***

The mornings weren’t the worst. Even when John forgot and woke up alone in the bed, he could imagine Rodney had stepped out to chase an idea. That had happened plenty enough during and before their marriage.

Neither were the nights the worst. John could exhaust himself mentally and physically until he could fall into bed hallucinating that Rodney had once again forgot the time and that Zelenka was keeping him company as they made the city and the galaxy a safer place. 

The days were the worst. 

Sunlight couldn’t hide how their team was limping without Rodney and how each replacement scientist was just a crutch about to break under their impossible expectations. 

It would only go on as long as John allowed it. Both Teyla and Ronon had made it clear. No one else was going to give this McKay a chance. They would have to.

***

“This is a mistake.”

John had expected Teyla to come talk to him, but it was Ronon who stopped him from strapping his P90 to his vest. 

“I’m aware of that,” John said looking up. “We’ve tried everyone and everything else. He’s who’s left.”

“No. This McKay will learn all the tricks ours did and a handful of new ones, but until he does, you are the problem. You’ll either coddle him or you’ll get us all killed coaxing him on and then rushing after him to save him.” There was a challenge in Ronon’s eyes. John refused to answer it. 

“You’ll forget who he is and—”

“Never,” John said immediately.

“We all see how you look at him. Even he does. Like he’s a ghost in your personal hell, the love of your life just out of reach. The only way any of this has a chance of working is if you stop seeing your ex in him and learn to know this new McKay.”

“We’re still married. Technically.” John glanced aside. “Rodney will find a way back and I don’t want to deal with the bureaucracy when he does.” 

Ronon leaned back and folded his arms.

“And what if our McKay never finds a way back and this new one wants to marry someone else?” 

“He can take up another identity.”

“He’s slid into Rodney’s clothes pretty easily,” Ronon said expecting the punch. A second later he was wiping blood from the corner of his mouth.

“I’m sorry—” John started.

“That’s better.” Ronon shook his head. “You’ve been shut down ever since the switch, like you’d lost your planet. We feared you’d never recover.”

“We?”

“We. Your family. Atlantis.” Ronon nodded. 

At first John shook his head. Rodney had been his family. But the truth was closer to Ronon’s words. Rodney had been John’s planet and the destruction—the disappearance—of it had hurt both John and their family. 

Ronon had survived, so could John. Even if it meant years of running.

***

The first meal they ate together as a team was wholly unsatisfying rations on a mission, but their second was weird on another level.

Nothing quite fit. 

Their places were unfamiliar and their discussion stilted. The cook’s attempt on local cuisine had failed miserably enough for Teyla to promise her help for future attempts. And watching Teyla respond eloquently to Ronon’s grunts in a coherent discussion made John itch. 

He kept wanting to look up and have his own perfectly understood silent discussion. He wanted to push his glass to rest against Rodney’s. He wanted to swing his leg and have it safely hooked and released without anyone else being the wiser. 

John missed it all so badly that the longing left no room for food in him. He missed it more than he could stand.

A quick excuse and an empty tray carried John away from the table and to the distant bowels of the City. He knew where his feet were taking him even as he tried to steer away. 

North pier. 

The edge of it falling straight down to the crushing waves below. The cusp of it directing wind directly to the clouds. And the feeling of John stepping off the City and hovering between up and down, indefinitely. John leaned forward and someone grabbed his sleeve.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“Looking for some solitude,” John snapped. 

“I hope you weren’t thinking of the permanent kind—”

“What?” Of all the things McKay could have accused him, this was the last John could’ve imagined. “You didn’t just suggest I would have stepped off this ledge and tried to kill myself.”

“Well.” McKay hesitated. “Didn’t you?” 

“If you think that, you don’t know me at all.” John’s voice was icy when he jerked his arm away. 

“That’s the problem. I don’t know you!” McKay shouted. He turned his back to John taking a few steps away but coming right back.

“I don’t know you, the man I married in this version of Atlantis. I don’t know anyone here. The names and faces are the same but the people are different. Did you know that Kavanaugh here fears spiders above all else? I could’ve saved so much time with a handful of Halloween decorations that the possibilities of what I could’ve accomplished make my brain hurt.”

“Rodney would’ve never used someone’s phobia against them.”

“One, that doesn’t sound at all like me. And two, that’s no the point.” Rodney held two fingers up to John’s face, when he suddenly stopped as if realising how far into John’s personal space he’d got.

“Jeannie.”

“Don’t start. I don’t even want to know everything that’s different in my childhood. I don’t even know how to ask.”

“Jeannie knows,” John said with a shrug. “She has a security clearance and we talk. Jeannie and I. I didn’t want her to wonder why her brother stopped calling and emailing.” 

“Great. You’ve thought of everything.” McKay dropped down to sit on the edge. “You know me better than—No. I don’t know you at all. I don’t know why would I ever marry you.” 

“You didn’t. Rodney did.” John paused. “Is it the concept of marriage or marrying a man you’re having trouble with?”

“Both. It’s only ever been women for me and no one special enough, smart enough, that I could’ve tolerated long enough to consider a permanent bond.” 

“Maybe because they were women.”

McKay shook his head. 

“Could you just tell me why we—you and him—please?”

John dropped down to sit down next to McKay. McKay who wasn’t Rodney despite his name.

“We fit. Even when he’s annoying me—and he does that plenty—we are good together. And I love him. He loves me. It really is that simple.”

“Here. Maybe.”

“What’s so different in your world?”

“Laws, attitudes, people.”

“Is that why you decided two out of three social burdens was all you could deal with?” John asked. 

“Two out of three what now?”

“Your personality, your intelligence, your gayness.” John counted with his fingers. “Or biness. Which is it for you? Rodney is on the spectrum.” 

“As I said, only women,” McKay said.  


“And here you are, married to a man.”

“Who I didn’t marry.” McKay stopped and John could see the thought forming.

“No.” 

“You don’t even—”

“We’re not getting a divorce. Rodney will find a way to come home and I don’t want to explain why I’m his ex then.”

“What if he doesn’t? I haven’t been able to find a way and it’s been months,” McKay said to the wind.

“He has to.”

***

After that it became a little easier to see the difference. McKay held himself differently. He was as likely to talk himself through a mathematical problem as to sit hours staring at a whiteboard never uttering a word. When he spoke he rarely expected others to contribute anything substantial and was always surprised when someone did.

He never expected anyone to listen to him without him making a huge show of it. And when he made a decision, he was ready to go to war on it no matter how little. It was as if something he’d always had to do. So when McKay handed an EpiPen to Teyla, Ronon, and John, each, John took it without questioning it. 

He should have asked.

It didn’t happen on a mission when everyone was trying all the things under the sun. Probably because McKay always waited for someone else to taste the dishes first and exercised his olfactory senses to a terrifying degree. 

No. It happened at home in Atlantis when they were playing around practising and trying to teach McKay how to hold the Bantos rods. Teyla had lured McKay with a promise of cake not her making. She and competent expedition cook had adapted one of Teyla’s grandmothers recipes.

“What is it?”

“A cake,” John answered for Teyla before promptly stuffing his face. 

“She already said that.” McKay reached for a piece. “But what’s in it?”

“Water, flour, fruit and berries from the continent. All things you’ve tasted here or off-world before,” Teyla said reassuring him.

All this was true. McKay had reluctantly explored the Pegasus cuisine but he had never before experienced this type of rainbow pie that had its own chemistry when cooked in the right temperature for the right amount of time. Namely citrus. 

Ronon noticed it first, then Teyla. For weeks after John had nightmares of none of them—not even Rodney—having an EpiPen with them.

***

“Snap out of it,” McKay snapped. John ignored him and kept reading the mission file.

“I’m okay,” McKay said more quietly.

“Doesn’t change the fact that you almost died.” John turned a page stopped and turned back the page again.

“Well, I didn’t.” John glanced up and saw McKay staring. “I didn’t die and you can stop blaming yourself.”

John could’ve feigned indignation or ignorance but he chose neither.

“With instincts like those, how did you survive to the ripe old age of forty?”

“Take that back!” McKay gasped. “I’m not a day over thirty-eight.”

John stared at McKay and McKay stared at John. They would have to check the surveillance footage to verify which of them cracked first. But crack they did—into laguhter.

***

There was the time when they got stuck on a muddy planet and John saw more of McKay than he’d ever wanted to see—even after years of marriage—but just shrugged and continued watering the local plants. Teyla and Ronon were mysteriously off on their own most of that mission.

Another time and on another planet John wasn’t struck with a poison dart and he spent hours watching Rodney die a thousand agonising deaths. When they got back from that mission and Carson cleared them for off duty, McKay pushed his way into John’s rooms and spent the night on the couch. John started the night in his bed but ended it on the floor next to the couch. McKay made the coffee that morning before he left and they never spoke of it after. 

The first time John put himself between McKay and a projectile was not a first at all, but McKay didn’t know that. For everyone else it took until stepping through the gate to remember that McKay wasn’t Rodney, and that John and Rodney alternating saving each other’s lives was new to McKay. John tried talking about it but McKay didn’t want to hear it. McKay would much rather talk to Elizabeth, John learned, when she handed him a list of suitable replacements.

Ten minutes later John dropped the list in front of McKay, crossed his arms and waited. McKay picked up the list and skimmed it.

“All decent candidates, although I suspect Kavanaugh’s name is only there to help you start the elimination process. Literally, I hope.”

“No.”

“N. O. As in you actually want him on your team? You might survive his incompetence but will Teyla? Will Ronon?” McKay glanced up. 

“No. As in I already have a science officer on my team.”

“Was that a Star Trek reference or isn’t that a thing in this universe?”

“Rodney.” John almost caught himself. He started again. “McKay, I know you’re not him but why? Why do you want to quit now? I thought we were getting better at this. At working together.” John pulled a chair closer and sat down at McKay’s level. He was waiting again.

“We were,” McKay admitted. “We are. But every so often, like just now, you slip and forget. So does Teyla, so does Ronon. For a moment you all act like I’m _your_ Rodney and we have shared history when we don’t. I don’t get the references, I miss the clues. I don’t understand what you and Ronon talk half the time. And my ignorance could—will—end up costing someone’s life. Yours most likely. I don’t want that.” McKay went back to reading the list.

“Maybe that was true in the beginning, but we’ve been working together for months. Months isn’t years but we’ll get there only if you stay on the team,” John said softly.

McKay looked up.

“Too risky.”

“So is life.” John thought for a second. “And you owe me.” 

McKay squinted. “I don’t owe you a thing.”

“Your life. I saved it. It’s your turn now.” John grinned as he left McKay fuming.

***

When McKay first pulled John out of a swamp—figuratively—John thought he could kiss McKay as thanks. But it wasn’t until McKay repeated the act in more literal sense that John actually did it. They both froze and pulled apart awkwardly. And it became another thing they never talked about.

***

On the first anniversary of the accident John found Elizabeth on the balcony looking directly at the sunrise.

“Today is the day,” she said. John nodded but kept back. She wasn’t done yet. “A year ago we lost them, for good it seems. And as painful as this year has been I wouldn’t trade places with you for anything.” Elizabeth turned to look at John and he took the opportunity to school his features as her eyes adjusted. 

“I couldn’t–wouldn’t–have coped half as well as you have if Radek’s double had been walking into my office every morning never remembering—” Her voice broke. John went to her and pulled her into a hug.

“I’m not coping, I’m lying. Each day I tell myself ‘tomorrow he’ll come. Tomorrow he’ll figure it out,’” he confessed.

Elizabeth let out a broken laugh. She squeezed him tightly before pulling away. John saw her look at her hand, take off the ring and search for the clasp of her necklace. Elizabeth put the ring on the chain.

“Not gone. Just away,” she said.

John tightened his fist.

***

John found McKay hiding in his lab a week later.

“How are you?”

“None the wiser today than yesterday. Or last year.” McKay skewed face into a thin smile.

“You’ve been avoiding the team for a week. Why?" John asked. 

McKay pushed away from his desk and nodded at the whiteboard. 

“I almost had it, but someone already closed that door.”

“You found a way home?” John’s heart skipped a beat. Rodney.

“No. I found a way to home, not mine. Another alternative reality someone has already visited and closed the door,” McKay said. “I’ve spent the last five days tweaking the equations trying to open another door but it looks like this key only works for this one door and it just might take me further away from home.” 

“But you want to try it anyway?” John asked. It wasn’t really a question rather than a plea. If John couldn’t get Rodney back, he wanted to keep McKay around. Actually, John might want to keep McKay around even if Rodney did come back. Like a spare part to protect the original. No. That didn’t make sense.

“It’s easier to get back the less variables I change. Time is already a factor, so I don’t think hopping around universes is going to help. But it’s a thought, “McKay said. He looked like he was getting another brain wave. 

“Good. Good.”

McKay turned around to really look at him and John felt naked.

“What’s wrong with you?” McKay asked.

“Nothing, just—”

“The anniversary? It’s been a year for you too. I should’ve—” McKay’s voice died in the middle of the thought. 

“It’s been longer,” John said in a rare fit of honesty. “Rodney and I, we had problems before the accident. We argued. It wasn’t anything too serious but we never really talked about it and it grew and then—”

“I was here.” McKay said and nodded. With a locked jaw, John returned the nod. 

“What did you argue about?”

Deliberately John let his thumb follow the line of his scar. McKay waited. 

“Nothing. And everything small. The point is I hadn’t—we—hadn’t talked that day. Or that week. Not really. I’d wake up, roll out of bed and leave the rooms barely looking at him most mornings.” John felt his breath fall out of him. He swayed and leaned against the nearest vertical surface. He inhaled deep enough to finish speaking. 

“I just trusted he’d be there, each night, each morning. I trusted he’d stay through anything because he always had. Of the two of us, I was the one supposed to bite the dust first.” John smiled a little. 

“We were arguing then too,” John said changing tack suddenly. “We were on a mission, hiking through the hills—Rodney hates hiking even more after—”

“After" McKay prompted a silent moment later. John cast his eyes aside still smiling fondly.

“Rodney thought it should have been Ronon and Teyla hiking while we waited comfortably in the village. But he didn’t know I had a plan. We’d been under observation for days and I just wanted five minutes to hold him without anyone watching or prodding us. When I finally cracked and told him he exploded. ‘How dare I torment him unnecessarily when we could have been kissing’.” John glanced at McKay and that look was all he needed to tell the two McKay’s apart. There wasn’t any sign of pain or guilt John was used to seeing on Rodney’s face. Only openness and expectation, eagerness to learn how the story ended. 

It was all John has wished for ever since it happened but now it was enough to break him. 

“Rodney pushed me. Just a little shove, like he’d done countless times before. I’ve no doubt his next move was to grab my shirt and commence the previously promised kissing. But we were high up, near a ledge and I stumbled. And I fell. I fell far enough to break a few bones and hard enough to cut open my face. I didn’t lose the eye and the bones mended, but the cut was uneven and dirty enough to get infected and leave a scar. 

“Rodney was brilliant at wrapping me in gauze and getting me back through the gate. But he never looked at me the same. And I could never—” John’s voice cracked. “And I could never be sure again if he stayed with me because of guilt or love.”

John breathed deeply, stopping and pushing through the lump in his throat. He tasted the tears falling. He wanted to look up and he did, but not at McKay. He couldn’t, not just yet. John heard the chair creak and the steps. He saw McKay’s shadow approaching but it still was a surprise to find McKay standing in front of him. 

McKay lifted his hand to John’s face and laid his thumb and palm over the scar. McKay looked at him. Really looked. 

“I don’t see it,” McKay said. I can’t see you without it. _He_ probably couldn’t see you with it. And yet, every day he saw you, he had to remind himself that you were you. His ideal image of you never changed.” McKay dropped his hand. “I’m guessing.” 

“I didn’t change,” John said. “Cuts and bruises happen all the time. Why was this so different?”

“You haven’t figured it out yet? How?” Mckay asked sounding shocked.

“Because he hurt the one he loved the most. And if we’re anything alike, getting over that guilt is next to impossible. Loves, loves the most.” McKay turned letting out a sigh. John could feel him wanting to share something and then deciding not to. 

The disappointment made John blurt out:

“It wasn’t just the cut. We should have been able to learn to live with it. I thought we had, but the guilt was always there when he looked at me. Except the first thing in the morning when he’d forget. Then he’d let that seep into other things. Sacred things. And I’d get upset and resentful. That’s why we ended up arguing so much about little things. Because I couldn’t let it go. And neither could he. “ John looked at McKay like he had the answer and asked: “Why couldn’t we?”

“Imagine it had been the other way around. Imagine you had pushed, injured and scarred him. Would you have forgiven yourself? Or loved him any less?”

John swallowed. For a moment McKay was gasping for air and swaying on his unsteady feet and then he wasn’t. 

“Rodney.”

“Don’t call me that.” McKay took a step back. John felt it as a hit. 

“Rodney,” John said again, but he wasn’t sure how to continue. He wanted to say all the words but none were enough. The very least he could do was to offer an olive branch.

“I’ll get you the divorce papers to sign as soon as I can. So you can move on, openly, with anyone you want. You don’t need to hide for my sake anymore.” 

“You’re giving up on him.”

John shook his head. 

“Never. But I’m done holding you back and stopping you from living your life.” John paused. “I hope you’ll stay on the team but if you won’t, I’ll understand”

“Sure. Thanks.” And after a deep breath McKay added. “I’ll let you know.”

John watched McKay walk away from him and the last time he’d felt this had been exactly a year ago.

***

McKay didn’t drop out of the team right away. John should’ve felt relieved but instead he was anxious. Every day and every mission he could feel the tension growing. John and McKay talked about everything and anything like they’d learned to do before except for that one envelope still gathering dust on John’s shelf. It had been on John’s desk first but after the first week and the second time McKay had left John’s room without taking it with him, John had put it on the shelf.

John should have been numb, dead inside at the thought of finally putting pen to paper to end his marriage, but he wasn’t. Instead he was tingling. From head to toe, from left fingertips to the ones on the right he was buzzing with life. His head was a little fuzzy and he’d randomly get winded like at the end of a really long sprint. 

John even went to Carson because of it, but returned none the wiser.

He finally figured it out when he caught himself staring on the shelf holding his breath after McKay had walked out again without taking the papers with him. John grabbed the envelope and went after McKay. 

When had McKay learned to move that fast? John didn’t catch McKay at his lab because he’d never returned to work. Neither was he hiding in his room. John checked, although he knew he shouldn’t have. The city was being helpful and opening him doors at the slightest suggestion or even without one. That’s how John finally found McKay.

McKay was standing in the middle of an empty room staring at the faint scorched marks on the floor. He was so still, John had to listen carefully to make sure McKay was still breathing. 

A minute passed. 

John walked into the room to stand behind McKay. Slowly he wrapped his left arm over McKay’s left shoulder and pressed his palm flat against McKay’s chest to pull him closer to John. After a beat John broke and buried his nose against McKay’s neck.

McKay grabbed John’s wrist and squeezed.

“Don’t,” John whispered.

“Don’t what?” McKay asked.

John could feel himself sliding. Into a panic probably.

“Whatever it is, don’t. Don’t feel guilty, don’t blame yourself, don’t—”

“Stay.” McKay interrupted John. “Don’t stay if that’s what’s keeping _him_ away.” 

“No.” John pulled at McKay’s shirt. “Go. I was about to ask you not to go.”

“Because you miss him.”

“Because I’d miss you.” John spoke into McKay’s skin. “Yes, it’s difficult to remember you’re not the Rodney I married, but only because if I’d never met him, if I’d met you fist, I would have already told you I love you.” 

John breathed in McKay’s scent.

“It’s too soon. I know that. You hardly know me at all and I wish I’d have the chance to learn to know you without having to compare you to someone else, but that’s not how our world works. I loved him and I love you. And I want you to stay.” John unfurled his fingers, uncurled his arm and took a step back. He held out the envelope to McKay who was turning to face John. 

“I want you to stay even if it’s not with me.”

McKay barely glanced at the papers before slapping them away, grabbing John’s collar and kissing him. It was everything John remembered and nothing like it. It was Rodney, his lips, his tongue, his fingers. But his touch was light where it had been firm, hesitant where it had been bold. Lingering in new places and old, like he was mapping new territory. 

As Rodney was. This was all new to him. John forced himself to slow down. He brought his hand to Rodney’s jaw and felt the scruff. A small kiss and another before John leaned back to give Rodney space to breathe. He couldn’t help smile when Rodney leaned in to follow him. 

John ached to say something but he was too afraid of saying the wrong thing to actually choose the words. So he brushed his thumb over Rodney’s lips and found the device staring back.

“I love you. I do love you.”

Rodney stared into John’s eyes and shook his head a little.

“I don’t—I’m not—”

It hurt, but John forced himself to listen.

“I mean,” Rodney paused, “I’m not sure I know what that means. I don’t know what love means.” His eyes begged John to understand. 

John did understand. It hurt but he did. 

“You don’t love me.”

“I think about you all the time and in all places. I want you.” Rodney squeezed John’s arms flashing a quick slanted smile. “I want you in ways I’ve never wanted anyone else and I miss you when you’re not with me and sometimes I miss you even when you are—here with me.”

John kissed Rodney to stop himself from saying something stupid. Something stupid like ‘that’s love,’ because maybe it wasn’t. Maybe for Rodney love had to be something more or different. Right now, however, this was what hope tasted like.

John hugged Rodney and laughed.

“Thanks,” Rodney said. John heard the indignation but he also felt Rodney shaking in laughter. Holding each other they stood until the laughter died. They breathed in unison after a while and John could’ve sworn his heart skipped beats to catch up with Rodney’s.

“So,” he whispered. “No divorce then?”

Rodney leaned back to show his eyes and a look of solid certainty.

“No divorce.”

***

They were called out to an emergency meeting that thankfully turned out to be nothing, but it made sneaking into bed unnoticed impossible. John stood in the middle of his room looking at the morning mess he’d left behind and trying to decide where to start. He walked to the door and opened it just as Rodney stopped on the other side.

John pulled Rodney in and closed the door quickly. Then he stopped. This felt like a first time only he was old enough to know all the things that could go wrong. 

“What’s wrong?” Rodney asked. 

“Nothing,” John said then huffed. “I’m nervous, aren’t you?”

Rodney shook his head. “I trust you.”

***

John rolled out of bed, grabbed a shirt and thought better of it. He found Rodney in the bathroom washing his teeth. John wrapped himself around Rodney who ignored him and continued moving the brush. Then a minute later Rodney pushed John’s toothbrush with a pearl of toothpaste on it in the general direction of John’s moth. John sighed but detached himself for their morning routine. It didn’t stop him from playing with Rodney’s boxer’s waistband, mind.

It spoke volumes that Rodney didn’t immediately slap away John’s hand. But before they had finished rinsing their mouths the doorbell rang. 

“Don’t look at me,” Rodney said. “I’m not the one who told Ronon about the quiet day off without any plans at all.”

“At least I didn’t promise to take Teyla and Torren on the mainland.”

“That’s not until next week,” Rodney shoulted after John who was picking up that forgotten shirt before unlocking the door. 

“That’s cute,” Ronon said as he stepped in.

“Why, thank you,” John said wanting to check himself in a mirror for hickeys. 

“I didn’t mean you, I meant him.” Ronon nodded at the corner Rodney was hiding behind. “Thinking everyone doesn’t know where to look for him when he’s not in his lab. You’re not fooling anyone.”

“It’s called consideration,” Rodney said pulling up his pants. “I’m not surprised you’re unfamiliar with the word with your vocabulary.” 

Ronon crossed his arms.

“Consideration for whom? Elizabeth?” He waited to see John and Rodney squirm. “She’s the one who sent me here for Rodney. Actually, I think she said not to wake you two up if I can manage it. Something about saving my sight.”

“I get the picture. What does she want?”

“I don’t know, go ask her. She’s in her office.” Ronon shrugged. 

Rodney glanced at John again. 

“Okay, I’ll go.”

“One thing,” John blurted out. He skipped to Rodney. He lowered his voice to a whisper. “I have something important to talk to you about.” 

“Can’t it wait?”

“We both know what’s likely to happen if we postpone it.”

“What then?”

“How—” John hesitated. “How do you feel about rings?”

Rodney frowned quickly. He took John’s left hand in his right one. John squeezed Rodney’s fingers quickly. 

“Matching ones, for you and me.” John slid the ring off his finger and put it on Rodney’s open palm. Rodney took John’s face between his hands, kissed him and put the ring back on John’s finger. 

“Yes, I like the idea, but this one stays. I’m not making you choose, “ Rodney said. “At least not now.”

***

John didn’t like thinking about it but everytime he and Rodney made a change or reached a goal post in their relationship, Rodney accompanied it with a subtle reminder that it all could be undone at a moment’s notice.

“I chose you.” John wanted to shout but never did. He reasoned that it was Rodney’s way to show his love, but it made John feel unwanted. 

That’s why, when they finally got the new matching rings, John made a point of placing it in a ring box in a drawer. He never took it out again but they both knew where it was. John tried to forget, but he knew.

***

Almost a year later Elizabeth was in tears in her office and John had to think before he remembered. He went to her, slid down to sit next to her on the floor and took her hand in his. John waited.

“I’m happy for you, I really am,” Elizabeth said between sobs.

“But you want your own McKay?” John asked. Elizabeth’s sobs were punctuated with broken laughter now. “I can understand why you’d want one, but I am surprised you do.” John rubbed his thumb over hers. 

“If you didn’t have the strongest ATA gene you’d hit the ocean surface by now.” 

“See that’s where you’re wrong. A puddle jumper would have caught me.”

“You can do that? Remote control?”

“With the City’s help and only sometimes. Probably only when she thinks it appropriate.” 

“Do you think you could teach others?” Elizabeth asked.

“When you find one that talks with the City, I can try.”

“They all talk to her.”

“No. Some talk at her, others hear her but few talk _with_ her.”

“Point taken.”

“So, Zelenka.” 

Elizabeth nodded and took a deep breath. “I miss him and it isn’t getting any easier.”

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be. Be happy.”

“I am,” John said. “But I feel guilty about that too. About moving on. About not being able to be faithful to both of them.”

“Rodney wouldn’t want that. He’d want you to live your life,” Elizabeth said.

“Live my life miserable and alone until he comes back or I die whichever comes first.”

“That does sound like him,” Elizabeth reluctantly admitted.

“Miserable idiot,” John said with a smile. “Can’t remember what I saw in him.” It was Elizabeth’s turn to squeeze John’s hand.

“I think Rodney wants kids,” John said suddenly. “My Rodney, the one we have here. I think he wants kids but is too afraid to ask, because all this could be taken away from him.”

“Could it really?” 

“No.” 

“Does he know that?” 

“He’s stopped listening to me when I try to tell him.”

“Then you need to show him.”

“You’re absolutely right.” John gave Elizabeth a quick kiss on the cheek and got up. “And don’t worry. They’ll come back. It’ll be a mess, for me mostly, but we’ll deal it when it happens.”

Elizabeth nodded.

“Thank you for the distraction. Remember to ask Rodney about the kids too.”

“You’re welcome. It might be too soon for that.”

“Just ask him.”

***

On his way home John realised, he’d never thought through what would happen if Rodney came back now, two years later.

If he’d found a way back during the first month of even the first year, the answer would have been easy and the two Rodney’s would have switched back to their own universes and picked up from where they’d left off as best they could. 

Now, though, it was too late for simple answers. 

Not that John didn’t want those too. There were so many things John wanted to ask and discuss with the man he’d married but he wasn’t convinced that the answers were worth letting go the man he climbed into bed with each night. 

A certain disaster would follow from trying to live with two Rodney McKay’s, but that too was preferable to trying to choose between them. Worse still was not finding either of them in the pre-mentioned bed.

***

John found Rodney in the lab going through some calculations and nodding to himself. John noticed that Rodney hadn’t made a single note or correction while he read, which was promising. A clean pass almost always meant Rodney was done and happy with his work and almost unheard of in Atlantis.

John waited until Rodney put the stylus down.

“Ready for bed?” John asked. Instead of being greeted with a happy, relaxed smile, John saw Rodney’s shoulders tense. 

“How long have you been there?” Rodney asked.

“Five minutes at most.”

Rodney turned and John instantly knew he wasn’t going to like what Rodney was going to say next. 

“I found a way back.” 

“You what?” John’s heart turned to stone. 

“I found a way back. A definite way for me to return to my universe. A one way ticket to home.” Rodney was sitting with his back straight and hands fisted.

“How?”

“I stumbled on it in the Ancient database. It’s a device they created to scan all their little mishaps and send them back to wherever they came from.” John saw Rodney lick his lips and nod to himself. “This thing can scan me down to my fundamental particles, calculate the correct wave matrices and their displacement and use that displacement to displace me from this space and time.”

“To send you back from where you were ripped away?” John asked.

“In a word, yes.”

“To when?” John added to his question.

“I don’t know. I doubt the Ancients cared enough to check.”

“Would you remember what has happened here or would all we’ve been through disappear from your memory?”

“I don’t know.” 

“Would—”

“Whatever it is you want to ask, I’m pretty sure the answer is ‘I don’t know’.”

“You don’t know. You don’t know and you’re planning to use this device. How can you be so irresponsible?” John didn’t hide his disgust. 

“Again. How can I be so irresponsible again? That’s what you meant.”

Doranda. 

“That wasn’t you.”

“Wasn’t it? I get confused.” Rodney slumped and kicked about. John found a chair and went to sit across Rodney.

“This is what you’ve been worrying about.”

“I wouldn’t say worrying, but yes,” Rodney said.

“I thought it was something completely different,” John said to his shoes. 

“What did you think it was?”

“Kids.” John looked up. “I thought you were thinking about kids.”

Rodney looked appalled. 

“Is it really that repulsive to consider having kids with me?” John asked.

“No!” Rodney shouted immediately. “It’s going to be difficult enough to leave you without adding children to the mix.”

“You’ve decided to leave then.”

“No, “ Rodney said again. “I haven’t decided but I will have to, when he comes back.”

“Him?” John said before he remembered.   


“Him.”

“Do you want to go?” John asked.

“No, but—”

“Then you won’t go,” John said interrupting Rodney. “You’ll stay and that’s that.”

“You know it’s not as simple as that.”

“It is.”

“The only reason why I haven’t used it yet is because I can’t guarantee his return to you,” Rodney said.

Goddammit. John squeezed his eyes shut. 

“If that’s the only thing keeping you, why stay at all?”

“No, I don’t. I’ve spent the last year trying to show you what you mean to me, to show I love you and not just my first husband’s carbon copy. And it’s not enough. Nothing is,” John said it more to himself than to Rodney.

“That’s not even the worst part. The worst is that I feel like I’ve lost you both and this time I know I won’t find anyone else.” John looked at Rodney trying to memorise what he hadn’t memorised before.

“John,” Rodney’s voice broke. “You’ve spent the last year trying to prove to yourself and me that second best is good enough.”

“No.” John shook his head.

“And I’m selfish enough to take it. I don’t need more after learning to do without, but I can’t watch you settle for anything less than perfect. You miss him all the time. You’re getting better at hiding it but I can tell. And it kills me to watch you learn to do without because I know—I know now how empty that life is.”

John shook his head in disbelief.

“This year, these twelve months have been the happiest of my life. And it’s not because I wasn’t happy before. It’s definitely not because I’m learning to do with less. It’s because you make me happy. You. Meredith Rodney McKay not born in this universe but dropped into it against your will. My husband. My love. And you sit there saying it’s not enough.”

“John.”

“You’re breaking my heart. You understand that much, right?” John asked tears in his throat. 

Rodney held himself back. He nodded, took the tablet and did something. 

“I understand,” he said a little later. Rodney nodded again, stood up and stopped. “All I ask is that you wait. Don’t read it right away. Give it some time and maybe it’ll help, then.” 

Rodney walked away. 

Read what later? Give time for what? John slid over to the desk and glanced at the tablet.

“Dear John, I know this isn’t enough—”

John ran out the door and after Rodney. It was easier than John feared. He caught Rodney stuck in a transporter. 

“Thank you,” John whispered to the City as he wrapped Rodney into a tight embrace. 

“I don’t want you to go. Stay, please. Please, stay.” John pleaded his voice cracking and his body shaking. His chest hurting. “Please, please, please. I don’t know what else to say, Rodney.”

“Losing you will end me,” Rodney whispered. “If I walk away, I can lie to myself it’ll hurt less because it’s my choice.”

John squeezed tighter.

“It’ll be worse. It’ll be a million times worse because you’d be walking away from the best thing in our lives for nothing. For nothing, Rodney. Because I’m not walking away from this. I’m never walking away from this. I choose you.”

“You say that but you don’t know. You can’t know for sure. Not until.”

John hated this, because Rodney was right. All John had were words. Until. Until a day that might never come. Until a day John chose. 

John loosened his grip, let his hands brush along Rodney’s arms as they fell. 

“Then let’s choose, together. We’re in Atlantis. If you can find one device to send you across universes you can find another. Or we’ll walk through the gate and lose ourselves in this galaxy or the other. Or in time. You can figure a way, can’t you?” 

“You’d do that?” Rodney asked.

John stopped to think of all the things he was about to give up for love. He felt a sweet hymn of goodbye in his bones.

“Yes. I am doing this, with you.”

***

“Off world activation!”

As the forcefield glazed over the stabilised wormhole, data flooded the screens. 

“Morning, Chuck.” 

“Evening, Walter, how’s Earth?”

“Fine, fine. No traces of the wraith.”

“Good, good.”

“How’s Atlantis?”

“We’re settling back nicely.”

“Great.”

“Okay, then. Is there a reason for this expensive long distance call or did you just miss my voice?” Chuck asked. 

“About that. Is Lt. Colonel Sheppard there? And Dr. Weir?”

“Dr. Weir is off duty but I can get her here.” 

“No. I think she can wait for a few minutes. And Lt. Colonel?” 

“He’s off world at the moment,” Chuck said slowly. 

“Maybe that’s for the best too. Listen, mind dropping the shield and I’ll send through something you forgot in your haste to skip out the Milky Way.”

“Shield deactivated. You can come through.”

“Thank you. It was nice talking to you, Chuck.”

“Same.” Chuck looked down to the gateroom. “We should do this again sometime.”

“Yes, we should. Don’t hold back any of the gossip.”

“I won’t, Harriman, I won’t.”

The light of the wormhole died.

***

Ronon trekked over the hill and descended to the valley. He found John boiling a brew over a fire.

“Sheppard.”

John got up from his crouch and walked to hug Ronon. 

“We got your message,” John said. “Is everyone okay?”

“Mostly. Where’s McKay?” Ronon asked taking in how the months away from Atlantis had changed John. He looked rougher in some ways but happier as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. 

“Rodney’s playing a botanist for a day,” John said and added. “He’s gathering the tea leaves to refill our supply. Gives him a chance for self-entertainment. He should be back soon.”

Ronon nodded and shuffled his feet. John took another look at his friend. Something was wrong.

“There’s something I need to tell you both.”

“That was unnecessarily dramatic,” a voice said before John could say a word.

Ronon turned around to take an extraordinarily long look at Rodney before pulling him into a tight embrace. Tighter even than the one he’d just given John. 

“Who died?” Rodney asked when his lungs were able to function again. Ronon just shook his head and held Rodney at arm’s length. Rodney and John exchanged a look. “We’re sorry we couldn’t be there.”

Ronon was already shaking his head.

“Everyone on Atlantis knows you would’ve helped if you’d known. There wasn’t time and we managed without you. That’s not why I’m here.”

“Then why are you here?”

That was the question. When John and Rodney had left Atlantis they’d reluctantly relinquished the responsibility of protecting two galaxies. Sure they’d made arrangements to pass on and to receive messages if needed, but it had been made inconvenient on purpose. They’d wanted to discourage Atlantis, and Elizabeth, of luring them back easily and to prevent them from running when called. Running back into danger and not away from it. 

Only Ronon and Teyla knew how to reliably reach them, because the team—their family—came first instead of any passing threat of destruction. 

Months ago now, Ronon had left them a short message and a goodbye:

> Going to visit your home and we’re taking Her with us. We’ll be back if and when the favour is returned.

“The favour? Which one?” Rodney had asked after reading it. 

“Saving our people,” John had replied. “Not necessarily the world, but the people.”

It’s impossible to keep Rodney silent for long.

“Can you imagine six billion people flooding the Milky Way stargates? They have to save the world too.”

“Earth. They have to save Earth.” John had nodded and added a log to the fire.

“Aren’t you itching to go help them?” Rodney had asked.

“No more than you.” John had been silent long enough for Rodney to add a couple equations to his calculations. 

“Yet.” Rodney corrected him. “We don’t have a ride yet. We’ll have one next time.”

“What are you saying?” John had tried to see through the shadows dancing on Rodney’s face. 

“What did you think the six month wait was for? Preparations. Food and gear was your priority, information was mine.”

John shook away the memory and turned to face Ronon again. “Why are you here?”

That was the first time they saw Ronon choose to lie.

“To tell you how I saved Earth.”

“Didn’t Teyla have anything to do?” Rodney asked almost laughing. 

“Nope.” Ronon was laughing too. 

John humoured Ronon by quizzing him about his trip, the battle and the aftermath. As thirsty as they were for news from home, both John and Rodney considered Atlantis and its people their home, not Earth. The trouble was, Ronon was frustratingly close-lipped about that portion of his story.

“Who died?” Rodney finally asked again. “That’s what you’re trying not to tell us, right? Elizabeth? Lorne? Carter? Keller? Who?”

Ronon stared at Rodney in a way that made John’s hair stand up. 

“It’s not about who died. It’s about who survived.”

“Michael? Todd?” 

“Zelenka.” Ronon’s eyes were fully on John now. “Radek walked through the gate a week ago. Alone.”

John exhaled. 

“Walked through the gate?”

“We left a ZPM on Earth for these things.”

“Alone?” Rodney asked quietly. So quietly that John had to stop himself from rushing to him. 

“Yes, alone.” Ronon repeated. “He wants to talk to you, John.”

“No.” It was a knee jerk answer John embraced. He wasn’t going to wreck what he’d built.

“We have to go back,” Rodney said. 

“No. We’re not—” John shook his head, got on his feet and turned on his heels.

“Either truth can’t hurt us, or it already has.” Rodney got up too and went to John.

“You won’t lose me, but I might lose you. Either to the not knowing or to your first husband.”

Rodney put his palm against John’s cheek and covered his scar with his thumb. He grinned a quick skewed smile and John recognised the expression. It was the one Rodney fell back on whenever he tried to imagine John as he’d been before they’d met. 

In seeing that, John realised he wasn’t afraid anymore. He wasn’t afraid of having to choose, because he had chosen—correctly. He wasn’t afraid of having to explain his choice. He wasn’t afraid of Rodney leaving him either like he’d been before—justifiably so. That Rodney had left, this one, John’s Rodney, never would. He had showed it with every action and all John needed to do was to believe him. 

That was the difficult part. Believing John could be this lucky. This happy. 

John kissed Rodney’s palm and pulled him into an embrace. 

“Tomorrow we’ll go back—back to Atlantis.”

“Home,” Rodney corrected John. “Tomorrow we’ll go back home.”

Ronon poured himself some tea and hid his smile behind a cup. 

***

John wanted to joke about going back to the dreary job of saving the galaxy every other week, but he couldn’t. Despite what they’d said before this wasn’t necessarily a permanent return to Atlantis. A home it might be and have their chosen family there, but their time away had done them some good too.

It had given John time to plan beyond his wildest dreams and come up with a strategy for more than just fighting back. To his own surprise, John was a builder in nature and a politician by blood. Leading was something he’d had to learn to do, and convincing Elizabeth was going to be an even more difficult task. 

John had plans for Atlantis, for Pegasus, and for Rodney. Always Rodney. 

Rodney had his own plans too. Those involved some research, more research, and even some more research before small forays into applying said research. The difference to before was that Rodney had clear goals in mind too. His goals involved finding the best ways to ensure Atlantis and its people would survive John’s plans and finding ways to protect Pegasus and Milky Way from their enemies, new and old, while the regime change took place. 

Rodney had lists of things he needed to put in place while they prepared. Lists of people they were going to tell and in which order. And lists of people they were going to send back no matter what. Lists of ways to drain an errant ZPM.

***

They’d been puddle jumping for three days. It was one of Rodney’s lists but John wouldn’t have wanted to try contacting Atlantis directly if given the choice. He had to consider the possibility of starting small with Rodney, despite all their larger plans. 

“Did you find us a ride?” John asked in a whisper.

“The puddle jumper is in the crater there,” Ronon answered the question not meant for him. 

Rodney shook his head but put away his notebook. There was a small smile playing on his lips that helped John to relax. 

Ronon disappeared from sight into the low hum John had been hearing ever since they stepped out of the gate. John reached out a hand and didn’t take another step until Rodney squeezed his fingers. 

“Who parked this thing for you?” John asked as he and Rodney took their seats at the back of the puddle jumper.

“Lorne. He initialised the controls and showed me which buttons to press if I had to get back on my own,” Ronon explained slowly.

“Ah, the ‘Timmy’s in the well–manoeuvre’.” John nodded. “Go on and execute.”

“Don’t you want to fly?” Ronon asked. 

“No. I’m good here.” John tilted his jaw at Rodney. “Let’s keep this under wraps as long as we can.”

Ronon tilted his head, smiled, and nodded. He brushed Rodney’s shoulder in passing and went to take the pilot’s seat. Rodney’s head snapped up and he watched Ronon for a moment but didn’t say a thing. John grabbed Rodney’s hand and held on all the way through the gate. 

***

“Welcome back.” They heard Elizabeth’s voice as soon as they were through. 

“Ronon? How did it go?” And then. “Did you find them?”

“Yes, I found them,” Ronon said and left it that as the puddle jumper docked itself. 

The hatch opened to let Teyla and Lorne rush in before either John or Rodney had a chance to think about stepping out. Teyla was hugging them as Lorne took the controls, closed the hatch and flew out. 

“Welcome back,” Teyla said when she sat down.

“Yeah, that.” Lorne chimed in too.

“Great. Happy to be back. Where are you taking us?” John asked. 

“To Zelenka and away from prying ears. Am I right?” Rodney said squeezing John’s fingers.

“Good to know the time away hasn’t dulled your faculties,” Lorne said.

They were heading to the continent but veered off to an island off the coast. 

“Don’t you have any news for us?” John asked Teyla who smiled.

“It can wait until you can focus on what I’m saying.”

“The brats are well at least?” Rodney asked pointedly never looking up. 

“The brats,” Teyla paused for an effect with a smile, “miss their Uncle Rodney . No one tells a bedtime story like you.”

John snorted.

“Planck’s constant is a surefire cure for insomnia. Not a single physicist among them,” Rodney said. He shook his head oddly disappointed. 

Lorne set them on the beach and turned to face the backseats. 

“We’ll leave you here and head off back to the city now. There’s another puddle jumper by the treeline. You can fly it back to Atlantis or escape through the gate. Regardless we’ll be back for Zelenka tomorrow. Elizabeth won’t wait for longer than that.”

“Not after three years.”

Rodney was the one who got on his feet first and gave everyone a hug. Lorne was the only surprised by this. After Rodney had stepped out of the puddle jumper it was John’s turn. He took a deep breath and made a choice. 

“I’m not saying goodbye.” John walked out and after Rodney. 

They didn’t stay to watch the others fly away. Instead they went to find Zelenka. 

John had imagined some nervous pacing and quiet incomprehensible muttering or some frenzied scribbling at least. They found a calm man standing and facing the waves. 

Rodney stopped.

“Come on,” John said.

“No, you go.” Rodney shook his head. “I don’t know him, he doesn’t know me. This is between you two.”

“You’re coming.”

“Please. I won’t go far, but whatever message he has, it’s for you.”

John hesitated. He knew better than to expect Rodney to run away but he was reluctant to face Zelenka alone. 

“Fine. But you’re staying where I can see you. I don’t want to hunt you down once Zelenka has said what he as to say,” John demanded. 

“It’s a message from your husband. It has to be.”

“Ex. Ex-husband. Thank you very much.”

“Go.” Rodney pushed at John gently and John resisted the urge to pull Rodney into an obscene kiss. 

“Stay.” John pointed at Rodney’s feet as he walked backwards to Zelenka. Rodney shook his head and pulled out his notebook. John really hoped it wasn’t for the list of ‘why do I put up with this idiot.’

***

Zelenka turned to face John when there were still ten meters between them. John almost froze but kept walking until he was at a touching distance. 

“Radek,” he said. 

“Sheppard,” Zelenka replied. “I almost didn’t recognise you. The last time I saw you didn’t have a scar.”

“This happened way before—oh. You meant the other me, didn’t you.” John caught on. 

“Yes,” Zelenka said. “It was mostly in pictures, for me, but I did see you there.”

“For you, but not for Rodney.”

“He saw you a lot more than I did.” Zelenka nodded. “Not at first but after we found you—you were a dirty cop there can you imagine? Anyway, after we found you and after the explosion we, Rodney spent a lot more time with you.”

“Okay?” John didn’t understand where this was going.

“I want you to know that the years there, the time Rodney spent away from you and trying to get back to you, changed him. He became bitter and jaded. He didn’t really care about anything or anyone anymore, including himself,” Zelenka explained and John understood a little.

Where John had been haunted by the twin of his lost love, Rodney hadn’t had even that. All he’d had was a friend stuck in a similar situation far from home and everyone he loved.

“And you? How did the years away change you?” John asked. 

“It was easier for me. I met Elizabeth early on. She didn’t have a clue who I was and she was happy with a loving family. So I knew. There wasn’t a place for me there. And I think Rodney thought so too, at first.”

“Until he met the other me?” 

“Yes,” Zelenka said. “Rodney started to open up again, to figure out new ways to get us home, to run away from him.”

“Run away from him,” John repeated. “Not to run to me.”

“No, not to you,” Zelenka said. His hands were firmly buried in his pockets. “They didn’t argue like you did, here before. They didn’t have your history but they did have something.”

“A new chance,” John said.

“A fresh start. With all of Rodney’s good memories and none of the bad ones.” Zelenka paused taking his fists out of his pockets. 

“Rodney asked me to tell you something. He asked me to lie.”

“What did he say?”

“That the man you fell in love with didn’t exist anymore. Hasn’t for a long time. That his home was there now—”

John didn’t need to turn to know exactly where his husband was waiting. 

“He wasn’t lying, Radek,” John said. “I’m glad Rodney found happiness there as I did here.”

Zelenka looked at where Rodney was standing, waiting patiently. 

“Do you mean—”

“Yes. A different sort of hell but worth it in the end.” John added quietly more to himself than to Zelenka. “He’s always worth it.”

“Does it mean you don’t want this?” Zelenka showed John the ring he’d been holding.

“No. I ‘m sure we’ll find a use for it.” John took the ring and pulled Zelenka into a hug. “You can call them now. I’m sure you’re eager to get back to your family.” 

Zelenka nodded and let go.

***

John walked back to Rodney to show him the ring and wait in silence. He thought about the ring’s pair still in its box in the drawer where John had left it. 

Rodney looked at John, at the ring and at John again. 

“Goddamn it.” Rodney threw up his hands. “Now we’ll _have to_ go back to the City.”


End file.
